On Being Gay (and being straight)

-What happened to them this March-

This morning, I was bombared with blogs rebutting the article of Christine Bersola- Babao entitled "Being Gay" in PhilStar.com last March 11. In it, Tin Tin cited professional points from TV5's Face-To-Face resident psychologist Dr. Camille Garcia regarding children and homosexuality.


To sum up her points, Babao pointed that for Garcia, when a parent sees signs of homosexuality, s/he must make efforts to correct them the soonest ("arrest the situation" is Garcia's term) and reiterate to his son/ daughter what is his/her expected roles to play in society when s/he grows up; a little boy grows up as a gentleman while pretty little girl turns out to be a fine lady. 

While Tin Tin may have expressed a number of fair comments showing respect for the members of the LGBT community, it was not enough to calm netizens who are proudly carrying their coloured flags. Some tagged Tin Tin as 'bigot', and 'unfit parent'. No matter how sorry she was on twitter, she cannot calm down informed and fierce bloggers.

While reading the entries of certain Shakira Sison and Laurel Fantauzzo (both are lesbians, you may see their links at the end of this blog), I could not help but think of how I felt when I was a kid- when the world was still a blur for me, and how my neighbors, even some of my meanest relatives, stereotyped me because of how I act and react.

For the record: I did not grow up to be gay. I thought, however, I was until high school.


-What happened to me way back-

Looking back on my shitty memory lane, I remember being jokingly hugged and kissed too many times (I try to escape everytime but to no avail) by our neighbor who is a policeman. 

An uncle from my mother's side confidently predicted that one day I'll be managing my own parlor shop and cut their hair. Hey, tito a**hole, unfortunately, I give hope to our needy kababayans thru my job and no matter how I like to, I cannot cut your hair because it will soon be gone. 

My cousins from my father's side would annually force me to recite the phrase "lalaki ako!" as manly as possible. Without confidence and certainty why choose me, I would say "lalaki ako", and I would receive faces of dismay and disapproval. I usually end up crying and hear my mom defend me "hindi, lalaki yan, may girlfriend nga yan, maganda eh"- referring to my puppy love.

For the record: We never were an official "thing".

By college, I am convinced to get out of the shadow and face the demons my relatives introduced me to. I pitied myself for the cowardice and insecurities I felt whenever discussion on gender and sexuality arose, especially during high school. A trusted friend once told me (not in exact words), "alam mo, hindi ka naman ganyan eh. Sila lang ang nagsabi niyan sa'yo, naniwala ka lang." She struck me like lightning. 

True enough, if the people who were expected to give me love, care, support, and proper (gender- appropriate) guidance gave me such, then I wouldn't have spent a decade or more confusing myself from who I really wanted to be vis-a-vis who they thought I was. 

I started to really know about myself through Faith. Only through it am I constantly assure that even if I could not erase the bad experiences with them, I have One Firm Believer who supports me, regardless. 


-So what happens now-

If you would ask me which side I am on this issue, well, both, but parts of the sides only. Like Tin Tin and Dr. Garcia, I affirm that parents need to accept their children regardless of who they grow up to be- straight one or proudly curved! However, if they see signs of gayness to their kids, they can address the issue, but up to a certain extent.


Meanwhile, I am on the side of Sison  and Fantauzzo who said that the role of a parent should be support and acceptance, not necessarily error-pining and threatening their kids. If they would calmly ask their child to confide to them, there would probably be room for conversation, hence, a healthy, open relationship. If parents were to be unwise of their language and be arresting of their child's acts, then expect the worse. As Shakira put it:

" If my parents locked me up when I decided to shave my head, get tattoos or pierce my ears. If my parents told me that God doesn’t like it if I don’t wear a skirt. If my parents disowned me when I told them I’d fallen in love with a girl. They wouldn’t not have a gay daughter. Instead, they would have lost a daughter."


I think a parent need not go to telling a child, "Alam mo anak, hindi namin gusto ang ginugusto mo," and "Hindi kasi tama ang makasama sa buhay at magpapamilya ay parehas na lalaki. Kung ayaw mo itama ang ginugusto mo, hindi namin matatanggap yun." like what Dr. Garcia advised. These are heavily condemning phrases, considering that you are talking to a child who perhaps doesn't understand gender roles yet.

I remember my father asking when I was a kid, "Anak, masyado kang madaldal, bakla ka ba?", and I would answer "hindi". To myself, is it wrong to be opinionated and curious? More so, I do not have memories of playing any sport with my father- or brother. I was just this studious boy who seeks information, knowledge and experience from the world. 

But this I say- I did not, in any way, took against my father how I got confused with who I am and what people tell me I am. You know why? because he never insisted which roles I have to play. Both my parents let me learn from the world. They trusted that in time, I will fall and get back up. I know there were times when they are confused for me, but they never sent an impression that I was on the wrong track and is going to a deadly life. They were just plainly supportive of my decisions and loving of my actions. Hence, I felt no pressure in finding out what the world could offer me, and take my best option among them.

I would not say I choose to be right. Because then I would imply that being gay is choosing to be wrong. To be one is not wrong. I have a number of LGB (no transgender yet) friends and they really bring genuine happiness to every occassion. They dare to discuss what's hidden and they are not afraid to take on the world differently. Like those who stick to their gender, LGBT members also love, live, dream, fail, survive, and pray.

If you are straight and happy, then I don't think you should tell a gay person he is unworthy of his happiness. You are not the owner of another person's life. You may observe and react, but you don't dictate. 

For the record: I love God. I love my Church. But I also love mankind. I respect diversity.

I guess what I wish for all of us- straight or not- is, let us be genuinely happy for ourselves and others. When I was a kid I would play 'ten-twenty'. The one girls mostly play using garter that you jump inside-and-outside to. I overheard a neighbor ask my mother: "bakit siya naglalaro ng ganyan?". My mom replied "hindi ko nga rin alam sa batang 'yan eh." 

Mawalang-galang na po, pero pakelam mo ba? Pumasok man lang ba sa isip mo na paglaki ko, pwede pa kong magbago? :) I made it through the toughest days of my childhood, and I don't think you should deprive me of making it to Level 5 of Ten-Twenty.


Related links:
1) http://www.philstar.com/entertainment/2013/03/11/918157/being-gay
2) http://www.shakirasison.com/being-gay-really/
3) http://www.gmanetwork.com/news/story/299095/opinion/to-filipino-parents-tempted-to-change-their-gay-children
4) http://www.rappler.com/entertainment/23640-tintin-bersola-babao-being-gay-online-flak

Photo Credit: www.rapppler.com (my favorite news site, now)